it's 6 am do you know where your children are ?

Because I don't, I don't know where they are. for all i know they could be sneaking around stealing things. or not in existence. you see my body has a rule, once it's been in contact with liquid coffee, it immediately sends me on a running race to the washroom. usually this ends well. unless you meet that awkward person in the hallway who wants to talk, whilst all i can think about is a chocolate explosion that's waiting to happen.

so this week was a great week on the race. i mean just great. people were making paper from elephant dung, and elephants were lifting things up and putting them down.

magical. i know it was a bit disappointing when no one got trampled and or shat on by the elephants BUT HEY THATS PRIMETIME TV FOR YOU HAHAHAH

Team big brother is still my favorite, i really hope they win the race and make BABIES OMFG BABIES EVERYWHERE. and a house he says. but babies first. there should be a law i tell you. a law.

The afghans did an excellent job this leg by terrorising the other teams and somehow ending up in first. you will have noticed them talking with the other Taliban in the taxis orchestrating a coup de taxi and somehow ( probably with poison ) beating the cowboys in a foot race.Yay for Bro-Rob getting his first first first. also he got a point for picking the singers . 2 for ROB YAY. glad you support terrorism.

Willis' cowboys came in second, very close. very close. too bad they DIDN"T have HORSES. not surprising as horses are a prime dish in sri lanka. in fact sri lanka used to have the worlds largest horse population ( some say horses were first found here ) when the locals decided to start eating them because of their obsession with Penelope cruz' nose, they quickly ate away the entire population.

my surfing squad did a lovely job today, and outran Jens teams for a solid turd place.he should cut his hair however, and then punch himself in the face

jens dadson combo came in 4th because they are mormans and slightly dimwitted. just kidding thats rude,they are dimwitted because of the inbreeding in salt lake city.

in 5th was dee's big bro. she didnt cry. in fact she isn crying much and thats bullshit. get off your high horse and start being a whiny bitch again. its no fun .

Don's globetrotters proved once again that they can only play basketball. and MOVE CARS WITH THEIR HANDS SWEET BEHEMOTH.

moms new team the singers wore bras this episode and didnt show cleavage, and hence came in last. in fact they were going to be eliminated until the one secretly offered favours to the host whats his name? paul ? cohegan ? and so yes he didnt eliminate them.

I dont have the updated spreadsheit at work so i cant show you the scores but SIR WILLIS IS IN FIRST WITH 5 points. Mom is in last. but she has a great attitude.

until next time. don't shart in public !!!! or do, and wallow in your filth.

week EL numero cinco and such

Hi guys, gals. miscreants. Yet another week has flown by. and what a week it was.

it is 12:11 am. Night shift is in full swing. The lights have been dimmed. The control center takes on a quiet mood. Most of the other controllers have put on theid headphones, retreating into their own worlds. I however do not wear a headset. I have always felt out of touch, the loss of my sense of hearing leaves me uneasy. I feel as though I will be suddenly ambushed having not heard an approaching assailant. So I sit, listening to the hum of many computers, watching various people go on with their own night shift routines. Rollie, my mainline counterpart, watches endless concerts on youtube. Mainly old time rock, played over and over again. I'm digging into another book, hence the reason I'm going slightly off track here. Sometimes I get into my books that when I take a quick break, I feel as though I'm still in the book.

I'll get back on track. But I won't lie, I may dabble with some minor story telling later tonight. I'lll keep y'all posted.

So this week's episode of Le amazing race was interesting. Kind of. With the mom son shitting the bed early, they were wayyyyyyyyyy to far behind to make this leg even close. Ma -- you do have the option of buying back in with the beautiful country singers. They are on a hot streak, coming in second place this leg. Might be a sound option. Please let me know in half a fortnight or less. For those of you who are unsure of the length of a fortnight and are too lazy to use google, it's two weeks, which was the time most soldiers would spend on duty at a certain post.

Jen has garnered another point this week, as the mormans ( not to be confused with the Myrmidons, who were commanded by Achilles ( which is the name I've given this team because of the old fart rupturing his own Achilles ) ( i used so many parenthesis I'm confused. ) ok so they landed first place.

The un-picked singers in second. no further comments to be made from me here.

Third was Willis's cowboys, they are my favorite. If you notice, they rarely ask for help and are genuinely good folk. I wish them well in all future endeavours.

Quick side note, this keyboard is a big piece of rotting donkey carcass, and as such, sometimes the keys i type do not function. usually i notice and correct the error, but sometimes I scream obscenities ie: WHY DON"T YOU TYPE YOU FOUL MINION OF SATAN.

4th place came Rub's pakistanies, who tried to barter rupees for t-shirts. it should be noted that they did not specify which type of rupee. ( sri lankan or indian ) FOOLS FROM THE BOWELS OF LADY GAGA's MALE PEN-IOS

5th place was my surfing team, who bailed on there first water related event. Fishing. They couldn't catch a bloody fish, which really means they can't feed themselves, and should be cast into the ocean to be picked apart by australian inch worms, which feed on human fecal matter.

6th place was Sir Don's globe trotters. They can spin basketballs on their fingertips, a skill which is useful if they end up in the circus, painted like clowns and scaring the local folk ( who in thise case will be quiet dim witted and easily provoked )

7th was the momson team. They will be enjoying perhaps a nice cruise for the remaining couple weeks, as they are out like trout.

Willis remains in first , with Dee and Jen( YAAAAYYYYY ) tied for second. Everyone else doesn't matter because MUFFINS.

get back to me with your pick for next week, I can't remember what happened in the TUNE IN NEXT WEEK spot , as i was a little buzzed from a very tasty beer or two.

Great talking with you all, y'all. For a take home assignment, speak with an accent to a stranger this week, ask for directions or something. then when they ask where your from, tell them TO BURN IN HELL YOU RUDE COW

SWEET ODIN IN VALHALLA I FORGOT AGAIN

i forgot to attach the spreasheet . again..

this is becoming a serious problem. if this continues i may have to begin serious training.

step 1: establish contact with willy mays ( tai bo )

step 2: destroy willy mays with newly created electron pulse cannon

step 3: Find hal and joanne Macleod

Step 4: place hals head on joannes body, and vice versa, then sell them to freakshow

step 5: use earnings from freak show to pay for P90x

step 6: use P90x cd's as sharp throwing stars !!

step 7: throw stars at the entire cast of " the real housewives of (insert any city )

step 8: i should be in good shape now, or in jail, and thus won't have to write these email anymore. so i win

Week 4, the week that went to market

Like the little piggy song. with the fingers.

I'm a banana !!!

Ok sorry I got sidetracked there. I'm at work again, slightly. Not actually doing work, I mean I'm not working in the control centre. I'm just in for shits and giggles. You know what, I don't have to explain myself to you. I'm almost 30. I can do what I want. So back off. I've had enough of your judgemental attitude. Comb your hair.

It's not that I'm overly negative, its that I'm underly positive. You know?

if a bird shits in the woods, does justin bieber die of dysentery ? We can only hope.

I got sidetracked again, this email / blog is supposed to be about the amazing race. Not about the multiple ways we could all benefit from justin bieber's fiery death.

SOOOO, Looks like Willster is continuing to rack up the points as the silly cowboys came in first for the second time !!! Good job amigo.The cowboys dun good, y'all seen em ! the bonus part is they don't sing country. nobody should sing country. this is another area where the world would benefit, all country singers should be test subjects in a lab. we could test how well they stand up to multiple stab wounds..hahahaha just kidding. gun shot wounds.

Jen's father son combo came in second, i'm sure glad he didnt rupture his Achilles spinning drinks. KINDA WEIRD HAVING a couple Mormons in a bar NOT SPREADING THEIR weird religion. Joseph Smith met jesus on mars or something.

BIKER MICE FROM MARS. hahaha. im awesome.

Rob ( walmart ) 's sssss , afghanimals came in third. DJ IRAN YOYOYO BOOM !

haha. because terrorism.

The country singers came in 4th and didn't stop singing country music, which is sad.

My surfing squad moved up a rank or two, and came in fifth, long flowing hair was the kicker here. not bleeding stinky feet. wicka wicka wild wild west.

Donalds globetrotters came in sixth, and surprisingly were not good at the dj booth or rap music. they are good at yelling out loud and being tall.

SURPRISINGLY, mom's mom son combo came in second last. Frustration was mounting and many glasses were shattered. twas comical. I really thought i was going to get some points here. silly rabbit.

Deenas big bro BRACHEL. well. well well well. I think we should all be thankful they almost got the boot. As rachel said if they win, shes allowed to procreate. i can only imagine what hellspawn would crawl out of her body. I USED TO COCKTAIL WAITRESS IN VEGAS 40 tries later , 3.5 hours later....and brendon gets it. bahahaha. useless. bonus to her for cheering on the momson, and having a general good attitude. also i'm sure praying helped, as we all know jesus turns water into wine and was made a fortune selling said wine to the jews.

ALAS, they were not eliminated. Dan got the point for picking the last place team, TWO IN A ROW DANNO !!! you should be a dentist. or a fly by night protester. OR A FLY BY NIGHT eupnea practioner !!!

Willis is in the lead wif 4 points. everyone else is moderately shitty.

Mom and Big Pharma Rob are the only ones without a single point, and thus feel shame.

GIMME YER PICKS FOR NEXT WEEK DAMMIT.

i had a dream last night that i was doing work for the pope ( odd ) but then he was trying to get overwhelming power in some sort of weird council, and i was like NOOOO POPE MAN YOU CAN"T MIX THE STATE WITH RELIGION. and so on. in the end i had to walk like 4 levels in the parkade to find my car, ONLY TO Realize that i had parked not in the parkade. what a waste.

week three (3) sweet jesus my belly hurts because of milkshake

First and foremost,

I swear brachel, well just rachel, is not the same rachel as before. she is ...more evil...more....sinister. look at her freaking eye balls. scares the excrement ( in french , th'excrement ) right outa me. did you see her screaming and wriggling her weird little hands when they got first ??? MUTANT. freakish mutant.

Alas. if you are playing the brachel drinking game, there were severa opportunities here. Also, a few moments of pure joy when she WAS THREATENED OF HER LIFE on the logs they were laying on aka raft aka logs. I liked brendons maneuvre of laying flat on his stomach. this is a crucial move for canoeists.

Team Achilles messed up and sadly ended up in first.. still.. this dad cries alot. like a lot. maybe even the same amount as rachel. whatever, first. point for Jen, ( YAYYY)

OMG i didnt save the stupid excel file with the results so i just spent the last 5 MINUTES MY LIFE re-assembling it.

anyways

cowboys came in 2nd, only one minor MESS up jessup hahahahah. from that movie.

but yes they did swell.

robs afghans are blankets. i mean they did great and HEY THEY WANT TO CLEAR THEIR name and didnt lie. swell. good job. lalalallalaalll. thats that sound they make. that women make.

whatever.

Mom and Son came in 4th. what a struggle. a struggle. she was bleeding blood. thats hard. yo wasup

the big dudes game in 5th and performed like minor league basketball players and such. man my stomach hurts from that milkshake. ( PETERS ) so good. oh so good.

the singers came in 6th and did just not bad. at least they only sang once. country music is like soap opera. just terrible..terrible

my team came in 7th. the surfers. pocahontas. John is a racist . because of that pocahontas remark. clearly a racist. possibly a nazi. blue eyes blond hair ??? COULD YOU BE MORE ARYAN ????

big bro came in second last. i really hope they show her sprawled out like a fish more . pathetically hilarious. bahahah. awesome. but hey good job on brendon saving the team by finding that stick.

annnnd finally. Dan is out , which is what he wished of his team. Too bad. but awesome. DAN WILL YOU BUY BACK IN WITH THE SINGERS ???? you have one last chance.

email back here

same BAT time

same BAT channel.

next week : WILL THE DYNAMIC DUO SURVIVE ??? or will MOMSON's SON break glassware and LOSE HIS MIND

WILL JESSICAS disgusting feet make it through ?? or will they have to amputate ??? An amazing race first !!!

email me back yo.

 

keep your week 2 emails off of me your filthy animal

Hi everyone, i'd like to state out loud that i'm writing this email under duress. I received a whiny email from so and so " i get eliminated from the race every week " that i wasnt being timely enough. Also, Dan is sitting next to me as i write this, so I will leave out the weekly poop reference. maybe.

well this weeks episode was intense as we hahahhaha im watching community with dan and its funny. funny thinngs are funny

also we have beer.

ok so yes, the cowboys are really really awesome but then really really not awesome. and once again, it looks like the country singers have leeched their way through an episode by using their good looks and terrible vocals. BUT HEY WINNING IS WINNING.

three N's

surprisingly, big brother team came in first. And wow. i'm so glad her hubby pointed out the incessant crying. and then they got first, and she cried. good god. she needs a muzzle.

momson came in second, i think i dunno i couldnt hear him

the singers came in third ( SPOILER KYLAS NEW TEAM HAHAHAHA ) and last. when shes out next week sorry wait you are reading this kyla, when you are out next week you are out out out.

jens father son team came in fourth, and his achilles is in good shape.

fajas globe " I HATE CHILDREN " trotters were next, i cant think of anything clever to say so whatever. basketball.

cowboys in 6th, strong come back during the day after their morning stupidity looking for horses

robs afghans are stupid and who cares

my surfers arent looking very good, except her kinda. and they came in the next spot after the last spot. you know

you know

dans youtubers came second last and smell funny

KYLA is out

again

because mark and mal just could not get along. Id have to side with Mal on this one though, screw your back moron. just race. thats what dad and i would haaaa......... FLASDIJHFLADSKFJNALKFAJLFKSADNLFK

thats how i feel. ok

beer time. going to send dan along to his plane nice and drunk.

OK BYE BYE BYEBYE GOOD TALK

oh three way tie for first between KYLA DEENA AND WILLSTER