GAY FREAKING PARIS

happy gay, not gay gay.

First of all --- thanks dude for proposing in paris and setting the bar high - asswipe. Jen and I were on that bridge of locks. however we couldn't afford to seal our love via locking mechanism and dirty river. I can't wait for the day that bridge collapses under the weight of all those excess locks, and everyones locks sink to the depths of that murky river, forever forgotten. until one day in the far future when the americans take over the world ( at this point every other country harbors terrorists so they invade everywhere, to keep the peace of course ) they will find the locks and attribute them to treasure and make up some far fetched fairy tale about french people locking their armpit hair in boxes and such. whatever.

SO , Sossy and Jinder utlized their power to u-turn the bartenders, and were quite happy about it. I decided that j-tits is a douche bag and i hope he falls on his face and swallows his front tooth. Succubas - Sukhi - shes crazy man. like bat shit crazy.

mom's hockey heroes are in first. again. If they don't win the whole thing, well who cares they have enough trips and cash stocked up to be happy . I cant say much bad about them, they are kind little lassies. too bad they can't shoot a puck.

The useless -- douche and half -- siblings came in second. Kylas team. how come kyla you always pick the pricks ? remember SATAN chick you picked ?? well they aren't that bad. they are probably terrorists though.

Robs hippies came in third. the blond dude much have speech problems, as he always shows his excitement with screams --- yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy -- etc. i can't believe they went all the way out of paris. turd blossoms.

jens romantic couple came in 4th. vive la paris et l'amour and shit. so lovely.

the bartenders scraped by and came in 5th. i like them more now that they have it out for the incest bro'sis . jk. KIDDING

and the french twins are out. sad. i actually liked them. sure they were a bit backstabbers and such but they was funny.

With that --- I guess i no longer need picks from the simair family --WHO STOPPED WATCHING ANYWAY BLASPHEMERS - because like me --- they are out and have no chance to win. so i wont be picking either.

ITS UP TO THE FINAL FIVE --- JENMOMDADKRYLAROB

send me your picks. its very important now, it is possible for Kyla or Mom to steal this competition early , with 3 elimination points left, and 4 leg winner points.

SO THINK HARD AND PICK ACCORDINGLY

as always -- keep fit and drink beer

WEAK FIVE hahahahaha

Winnipeg. I can't wait to go there again and stand at their most popular intersection, Portage and dick. Seriously : this intersection is known for its coldness and heavy winds. Sounds like a good spot. Maybe that's where you go for an icy handjob from an Edmonton hooker ( CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY) 

sorry Willis, I hope you aren't reading these.

All jokes aside, I think everyone would be ok if winnipeg changed it's name to: Sphincter of canada.

enough against winnipeg

Highlight of the episode: Olympians failing at life, hockey, whilst the hippies score like they wish they would have on Cormacs mom.

Lowlight: Jon M yet again avoided being slapped, by anyone. COME ON JUST ONCE HIT THAT GUY. maybe in the family jewels, might drop his voice an octave or two.

ok so. WIllis !!! good job buddy !! Napoleons sons came in first !!! backstabbing devils. so french, good for them though. 

Jen's team came in second. I like them. they are fun. shes french an stuff. he looks like DMX. OH DONT BE RACIST

Robs hippies came in third, although i don't think they knew that. bro.

Sucktits and Jubilation came in 4th. I have to say, they did really good on skates for having never done it. Actually, sukee ( from true blood ) does pretty good at stuff shes never done. Shes just terrible at everyone else ie: breathing. walking, living.

Moms team dropped to 5th, I bet they are out next leg. I mean come on. who can't hit the five hole ??? its really not elusive. Jon M does it all the time with his boyfriend.

Don's bartenders....i just don't know about these guys. Although buddy nailed the singing thing. they just cant seem to get ahead. probably too much acid.

ALAS, THEY AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO IS OUT. thank Thor above. Im out again. SONOFABITCH

oh well. at least they didnt cry. I wonder if Rex's partner ( who knows his name??? seriously its like Rex and ..and .... and ... Rex's partner. anyways i wonder if he was jealous when Rex was touching that ballerina. hes probably bi.

alright --- hope everyone is enjoying their lives. 

SEND ME YOUR PICKS OR I"LL DUTCH OVEN EVERY ONE OF YOU.

ps the fascists are all going to France. fuckers.

I heart Telus

Describe a scenario where you would use OPTIK ON THE GO:

It's late, I'm at work. I'm bored to death. I need something to pass the time, so I venture onto the world wide web to sate my need for entertainment. There I find Telus on the go, which a meager selection of tv programs varying from completely useless, to borderline psychotic. I tune in to pass the time, quickly turning off HBO when it shows boobs, because then I'll get fired. The other workers are interested, and now I'm charging them by the hour. THANK THE GODS FOR TELUS ON THE GO. PS, what the hll is this little lion looking at??? probably feeding him the hearts of small humans.

What is the best thing about OPTIK ON THE GO:

Nothing, there is no best thing. it's not sex, it's not free money, it's literally advertisement on the go. GOOD GOD JIM CAN"T WE JUST HAVE TV AT HOME ?????? what's wrong with you people. Ok ok that was mean, I don't know any of you personally. I'm sure you're all gems, in fact. Come over for dinner and drinks

What is the worst thing about OPTIK ON THE GO:

Sometimes, when you watch 5 hours straight of tv, you forget to urinate. BUT THE BONUS, is that if you just watched Lawyer Lawyer with Jim Carey , he will tell you the symptoms of not peeing ---- you will lose the ability to get a har ---- boner. its a boner. the answer was boner.

What could Telus do to improve your viewing experience?

If it would be possible, could you please send some sort of servant to make me popcorn and provide some sort of jelly donut? Sometimes when I watch tv I get really lazy. Lucky for me I'm learning so many things on tv.

week 4 of the AMERZING RERCE CERNERDA. feat DMX on a sleigh ride

Sean Connery: Whats the difference between you and mallard with a cold? One is a sick duck and i can't remember how it ends but your mothers a whore.

hababahahahaaha.

its funny because its a big hat.

ok so this week on the "amazing race NOT ALWAYS CANADA " the teams find themselves in Macau, China, which was founded in England but later moved to china for financial reasons, and pushed through congress by lemmings, which from what i understand are small creatures who enjoy sun bathing and young dutch models.

anyhow, xmen 2 is on tv right now, so im going to take a small break and watch until the next commercial break.

well, there was a break here, it may not seem like it unless i write it in....

30 minutes have elapsed, and young Robert finds himself writing about himself in the third person. hes trying to be clever whilst remaining focused on his task : writing a summary of an un-original tv series with a red head host, who is satans spawn.

ok ok ok ok. ummm Macau looks nice. and such. after this week ,i find myself disliking the hippies douche bags ( RIGHTEOUS ) ( RADICAL ) ( BRO ) ( DUDE ) because of their hippy slang nonsense, they are probably without jobs.

Moms team kicked ass again, if this keeps up, she will have the race locked up in no time !!!!! we have yet to see them really struggle. time will tell.

the bartenders / cross dressers ???????? made a big move, im sure dad will be happy. less so with the cross dressing ......

and ...... the gay fellers !!! in TURD PLACE !!!! ... hahah....wow...for several reasons. mostly because they got 3rd. yay Gay !!

deenas back up squad came next. i think CORMAC THE HUNGRY ( sounds barberous but i think it fits ) may snuggle up inside his moms WOMB every night to sleep. well they are in 4th, again

willsters twins in 5th, the treacherous french scum they are. ( T URD ) ahahah

french

robs hippies are in 6th . surprising everyone with their quick mathematical skills .

jens frenchies ( My second fave team ) had a close call but made it through.

Kylas soon to be eliminated team almost lost it, im so happy they have degrees in something. im sure they both contribute a LOT at their new jobs at mcdonalds.

looks like we are back to canada next week, the yukon, which was named after a truck several years ago. im told its a land full of unicorns and ping pong tournaments.

let us hope this week goes by , and we dont get trapped in some sort of time paradox where shania twains hit track " my heard will go on " is played on repeat but its not actually her voice, its Cher's, who is actually a zombie robot under the control of Sarah palin PAYLIN whatever shes crazy. oh oh oh and yes i know shania twain didnt write that song, it was written by that french lady , rita macintire.

amerzering race werk 1, two and 4-1 , dont read if you are easily offended or Joseph Stalin

Week uno

 

BOOOMMM the germans sure kicked ass in womens soccerball last other day before last.

 

Well, to start, what a freaking piss off that the first leg of the race is literally in my backyard, at the COP. DON WE COULD HAVE pulled in for a quick beer ! bastards, fascists, heathens, pagans, damn the all father Odin himself.

 

ok that will not be the last spurt of madness this year im sure, but whatever, Kim kardassSHEin.

 

Seems they spent most of the time focusing on the front runners this episode, AND THANK KANYE WEST that chick on moms team puked in the airplane, and while parachuting, IM NOT ALONE. good on her for pulling through though, thats gonna be a tough team. im secretly rooting for them because hockey.

 

and oh ya , they got first. yay mom !! good start !! etc. Jens frenchies got second. i think the dancing guy dudes ( guy not gay ) came in third. some other teams placed otherwise.

 

DEENA, sorry but the bffs FOREVER BECAUSE ALLAH, they are out. but , lucky you, the Mom-son and Gay dudes seem pretty strong. SO BUY BACK IN DONT BE A )$(#*#$)(#/. etc. my team was second last, maybe i'll buy back in next week.

 

Dan, Kryla and Mom all came away with 1 point. I'll email the list 2 weeks from now.

 

Jen and I are in JAMAICA BITCHES starting tnight, so Deena said she'd handle the email next week.---also, please email your picks to me / deena / ALL, EMAIL ALL, for the elimination next week.

 

I'll go on record and pick my own team to be out.

 

well, i'm off. enjoy life.

Week TWO

To my pleasant surprise, my team is out, and looks like this week the amazing race is going bloody global. I'll save the curses.

due to my weakling dislocated mel gibson style arm ish dude, im out this week.

I am annoyed with various things, and happy about various others.

first --- freaking host has the worst host voice. i would like to slap him, then when he protests, slap him again, then kick him in his baby maker so that he can never reproduce. then install one of those ive smoked too much in my life throat talking devices. then game on.

moms team is in first again, can't not like them because hockey and such. good for them !!!!! go mom !!!!

jens frenchies are in second, they are fun and talk french lots and get mad lots but go them !!!!

rob hippies should actually be the gay dudes. i hope they both get their hair stuck in a blender. bill and ted. bogus adventure. god just shut up with your hippy shit slang. they should have to be high every episode. at least.

Dee's new team mom son is in fourth, i have this sick feeling like theres some incest going on here. ok ok no no no just lovely parental bonding. but she totally kicks her sons ass. he'll probably never have a girlfriend.

willsters twins are in 5th, moving on up, i think they are a good team. good fellers.

kylas biologically useless siblings are next, boy are they smart university students. but they are fun.

dons bartenders are next, hope they pick it up a notch or two, they are really serving up quality cocktails ............................................

the LGBT crews are in last and second last. seriously =---- FINISH A TASK YOU USELESS NON STRAIGHT FELLOWS. my new team. yay. freaking useless.

useless as ---- a pig on shit.

useless as ---- oh whatever im tired ok.

SEND IN YOUR PICKS QUICK. next week they are in hong kong. asswipes.

ive attached the thing. everyone is doing stuff.

 

Week tHRESDRFESFSE

 

Well, ladies and gentlemen. Things just got slant eyed.

hahahah.

Great show this week. Looks like moms team did indeed get a hat trick, turd win in a row !!!!! Kyla also got a hat trick, by picking three correct eliminations in a row!! Congrats !!! you're adopted. this puts mom and kyla tied for first. FIRST IS THE WORST

deenas new momson came in second....boy they hold hands alot...isnt he at least 18 ?? creeeeeeeeepyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. great energy on her behalf. hes useless.

the french tricksters came in third i think. i for one have no problem with them tricking the pot heads, as they are high and easy to fool......oh man...the twins went that way man, they oh man they went in there dude....dude im so hungry

pot heads were in fourth, hopefully next week they get stuck in an opium den and get sold into slavery.

dons bartenders improved a bit this week and they are in 5th. better get their collective excrement together

jens frenchies are the most fun couple to watch fighting. and yappy yap in french

french

my useless team is next, i really hope they lose out, i think " REX ALMIGHTY HARRINGTON"" needs a kick in his ego filled testicles. maybe that'll set him straight.............see what i did there ?

ps : who the hell is rex harrington and why did some random TORONTONIAN recognize him.

biologically useless gluten free sibllings were in second last and it looks like they will be out next week but I BET A DONUT it will be a non-elimination.

ok thats all i have for now.

seacrest out

oh shit, Dan you're out, again. please issue a media statement on your feelings toward the LGTC community, and your team, and answer these questions.

 

how do you feel about tattooed lesbians ?

how do you feel about lesbians and gays taking over the 5th world ?

if you could be a lesbian , what kind of crocks would you wear ?

if you could pick and gay man to elect president , how would you cook your eggs in the morning ?

finally, if three hens molested a isotropic triangle, would the offspring be republican?

 

BUY BUY BUY FREE CIALIS

Well I can truly say I was more saddened by this week's elimination than my own team going. THOSE EVIL FREAKING TERRORISTS. smart play , yes . but dammit why??? the cowboys were the only team in there with a shred of character. they bloody rode that spanish broads horse off the race. WIN. sorry willster, that is a tough pill to swallow.

Im just doing to rate the remaining teams by level of how much i despise them. 1 = SATAN'S SPAWN , 4= MILD RASH

1 ----- Jen's father son bitch fest loser whiners. ''quote : u-turning us was uncalled for " shut up you douche face. i really hope his achilles ruptures again, then the demon spirit of Achilles himself comes up from the dead and stabs him in the sphincter.

2 --- Afghans ---- the sole reason is them uturning the cowboys. you dicks. they were playing an otherwise not TERRORIST race until now, where they have clearly made there first move against 'murica.

3--- Singers --- i dont really dislike them, i mean hey they were doing the flamenco. but just for being on the accidental alliance, i hope their music carreers dwindle to something worse then country --- probably folk. and they both get knocked up by their brother.

4 --- Brenchel --- hhah...hahahaha...i really had fun watching her get hammered by the balls. i mean bulls. and crying....then having an epic fall on the way to the mat. so lovely.

Side note -- if Don and I did that road block, with the bulls, i would have seriously injured one of those spanish ''soccer players'' or lost my mind completely. no way in hell i would come out that withou hurting someone. i think the same would go for pops.

that being said, the cowboys had the best exit of all time, and everyone will miss them. GOD BLESS 'MURICA

Damn the gods

ODIN THE ALL FATHER HATH DOOMED ME.

As the rest of you bastards surely know, I'm out. My surfing team bit the dust. NO THANKS TO BUDDIES LONG GOLDEN LOCKS OF HAIR. I blame the cab. Useless son of a fisher. SON OF A low born mexican pirate. well hell. i dont even care any more. the rest of you can bugger off.

ok ok.. I"ll still play. So who came in first. Oh yes. F#$#ing big brother. gods are they hopeless. i hope they win, and she has freaking dectoplets. THATS TEN BABIES. i bet she'll name them off the cast of desperate housewives. 

oh ps this may be a negative / rantish email. so again, bugger off

second place..the freaking country singers. OOOOOO TOUGH SPEED BUMP PICK UP A TYPE-WRITER. maybe if they made them write a GOOD SONG then it would have been hard. bahaa. for this challenge you must compose a song, AND IT CAN"T BE ANY OF THAT RUBBISH COUNTRY SHIT.

anyways, in third came the Mormadukes. who only let the girls go ahead of them so that they could satisfy their morman sexual desires ( IF ONLY THEY WERE RELATED THEY COULD GET TOGETHER) just kidding. i dont think mormans are incestual. thats the french. hahahaha. le french. shit im french. F this.

the cowboys came in fourth, im hoping for them because of their accents, maybe if we are lucky, they will court the country singers. WOULDNT THAT MAKE FOR A GOOD TUNE !!!???? no, no it would not.

if fifth came the terrorists. they are hairy. and terrorizing. i mean terrifying. whatever. thanks BIN LADEN

the globes came next. and i dont have anything left to say. 

MY team is out. and i'm mathematically out as well. NO WAY I CAN WIN NOW. well neither can KRYLA. or DAN. so whatever. HEY lets all get together and have a loser beer this week. 

SEE ALL OF YOU FREAKS LATER THIS WEEK. I'm bringing Jen, ( YAAYYYYY ) and cards against humanity. SPOILER ALERT ---

Jen wins.

also, PENIS. i hope you just imagined a PENIS. stupid surfers.

it's 6 am do you know where your children are ?

Because I don't, I don't know where they are. for all i know they could be sneaking around stealing things. or not in existence. you see my body has a rule, once it's been in contact with liquid coffee, it immediately sends me on a running race to the washroom. usually this ends well. unless you meet that awkward person in the hallway who wants to talk, whilst all i can think about is a chocolate explosion that's waiting to happen.

so this week was a great week on the race. i mean just great. people were making paper from elephant dung, and elephants were lifting things up and putting them down.

magical. i know it was a bit disappointing when no one got trampled and or shat on by the elephants BUT HEY THATS PRIMETIME TV FOR YOU HAHAHAH

Team big brother is still my favorite, i really hope they win the race and make BABIES OMFG BABIES EVERYWHERE. and a house he says. but babies first. there should be a law i tell you. a law.

The afghans did an excellent job this leg by terrorising the other teams and somehow ending up in first. you will have noticed them talking with the other Taliban in the taxis orchestrating a coup de taxi and somehow ( probably with poison ) beating the cowboys in a foot race.Yay for Bro-Rob getting his first first first. also he got a point for picking the singers . 2 for ROB YAY. glad you support terrorism.

Willis' cowboys came in second, very close. very close. too bad they DIDN"T have HORSES. not surprising as horses are a prime dish in sri lanka. in fact sri lanka used to have the worlds largest horse population ( some say horses were first found here ) when the locals decided to start eating them because of their obsession with Penelope cruz' nose, they quickly ate away the entire population.

my surfing squad did a lovely job today, and outran Jens teams for a solid turd place.he should cut his hair however, and then punch himself in the face

jens dadson combo came in 4th because they are mormans and slightly dimwitted. just kidding thats rude,they are dimwitted because of the inbreeding in salt lake city.

in 5th was dee's big bro. she didnt cry. in fact she isn crying much and thats bullshit. get off your high horse and start being a whiny bitch again. its no fun .

Don's globetrotters proved once again that they can only play basketball. and MOVE CARS WITH THEIR HANDS SWEET BEHEMOTH.

moms new team the singers wore bras this episode and didnt show cleavage, and hence came in last. in fact they were going to be eliminated until the one secretly offered favours to the host whats his name? paul ? cohegan ? and so yes he didnt eliminate them.

I dont have the updated spreadsheit at work so i cant show you the scores but SIR WILLIS IS IN FIRST WITH 5 points. Mom is in last. but she has a great attitude.

until next time. don't shart in public !!!! or do, and wallow in your filth.

week EL numero cinco and such

Hi guys, gals. miscreants. Yet another week has flown by. and what a week it was.

it is 12:11 am. Night shift is in full swing. The lights have been dimmed. The control center takes on a quiet mood. Most of the other controllers have put on theid headphones, retreating into their own worlds. I however do not wear a headset. I have always felt out of touch, the loss of my sense of hearing leaves me uneasy. I feel as though I will be suddenly ambushed having not heard an approaching assailant. So I sit, listening to the hum of many computers, watching various people go on with their own night shift routines. Rollie, my mainline counterpart, watches endless concerts on youtube. Mainly old time rock, played over and over again. I'm digging into another book, hence the reason I'm going slightly off track here. Sometimes I get into my books that when I take a quick break, I feel as though I'm still in the book.

I'll get back on track. But I won't lie, I may dabble with some minor story telling later tonight. I'lll keep y'all posted.

So this week's episode of Le amazing race was interesting. Kind of. With the mom son shitting the bed early, they were wayyyyyyyyyy to far behind to make this leg even close. Ma -- you do have the option of buying back in with the beautiful country singers. They are on a hot streak, coming in second place this leg. Might be a sound option. Please let me know in half a fortnight or less. For those of you who are unsure of the length of a fortnight and are too lazy to use google, it's two weeks, which was the time most soldiers would spend on duty at a certain post.

Jen has garnered another point this week, as the mormans ( not to be confused with the Myrmidons, who were commanded by Achilles ( which is the name I've given this team because of the old fart rupturing his own Achilles ) ( i used so many parenthesis I'm confused. ) ok so they landed first place.

The un-picked singers in second. no further comments to be made from me here.

Third was Willis's cowboys, they are my favorite. If you notice, they rarely ask for help and are genuinely good folk. I wish them well in all future endeavours.

Quick side note, this keyboard is a big piece of rotting donkey carcass, and as such, sometimes the keys i type do not function. usually i notice and correct the error, but sometimes I scream obscenities ie: WHY DON"T YOU TYPE YOU FOUL MINION OF SATAN.

4th place came Rub's pakistanies, who tried to barter rupees for t-shirts. it should be noted that they did not specify which type of rupee. ( sri lankan or indian ) FOOLS FROM THE BOWELS OF LADY GAGA's MALE PEN-IOS

5th place was my surfing team, who bailed on there first water related event. Fishing. They couldn't catch a bloody fish, which really means they can't feed themselves, and should be cast into the ocean to be picked apart by australian inch worms, which feed on human fecal matter.

6th place was Sir Don's globe trotters. They can spin basketballs on their fingertips, a skill which is useful if they end up in the circus, painted like clowns and scaring the local folk ( who in thise case will be quiet dim witted and easily provoked )

7th was the momson team. They will be enjoying perhaps a nice cruise for the remaining couple weeks, as they are out like trout.

Willis remains in first , with Dee and Jen( YAAAAYYYYY ) tied for second. Everyone else doesn't matter because MUFFINS.

get back to me with your pick for next week, I can't remember what happened in the TUNE IN NEXT WEEK spot , as i was a little buzzed from a very tasty beer or two.

Great talking with you all, y'all. For a take home assignment, speak with an accent to a stranger this week, ask for directions or something. then when they ask where your from, tell them TO BURN IN HELL YOU RUDE COW

SWEET ODIN IN VALHALLA I FORGOT AGAIN

i forgot to attach the spreasheet . again..

this is becoming a serious problem. if this continues i may have to begin serious training.

step 1: establish contact with willy mays ( tai bo )

step 2: destroy willy mays with newly created electron pulse cannon

step 3: Find hal and joanne Macleod

Step 4: place hals head on joannes body, and vice versa, then sell them to freakshow

step 5: use earnings from freak show to pay for P90x

step 6: use P90x cd's as sharp throwing stars !!

step 7: throw stars at the entire cast of " the real housewives of (insert any city )

step 8: i should be in good shape now, or in jail, and thus won't have to write these email anymore. so i win

Week 4, the week that went to market

Like the little piggy song. with the fingers.

I'm a banana !!!

Ok sorry I got sidetracked there. I'm at work again, slightly. Not actually doing work, I mean I'm not working in the control centre. I'm just in for shits and giggles. You know what, I don't have to explain myself to you. I'm almost 30. I can do what I want. So back off. I've had enough of your judgemental attitude. Comb your hair.

It's not that I'm overly negative, its that I'm underly positive. You know?

if a bird shits in the woods, does justin bieber die of dysentery ? We can only hope.

I got sidetracked again, this email / blog is supposed to be about the amazing race. Not about the multiple ways we could all benefit from justin bieber's fiery death.

SOOOO, Looks like Willster is continuing to rack up the points as the silly cowboys came in first for the second time !!! Good job amigo.The cowboys dun good, y'all seen em ! the bonus part is they don't sing country. nobody should sing country. this is another area where the world would benefit, all country singers should be test subjects in a lab. we could test how well they stand up to multiple stab wounds..hahahaha just kidding. gun shot wounds.

Jen's father son combo came in second, i'm sure glad he didnt rupture his Achilles spinning drinks. KINDA WEIRD HAVING a couple Mormons in a bar NOT SPREADING THEIR weird religion. Joseph Smith met jesus on mars or something.

BIKER MICE FROM MARS. hahaha. im awesome.

Rob ( walmart ) 's sssss , afghanimals came in third. DJ IRAN YOYOYO BOOM !

haha. because terrorism.

The country singers came in 4th and didn't stop singing country music, which is sad.

My surfing squad moved up a rank or two, and came in fifth, long flowing hair was the kicker here. not bleeding stinky feet. wicka wicka wild wild west.

Donalds globetrotters came in sixth, and surprisingly were not good at the dj booth or rap music. they are good at yelling out loud and being tall.

SURPRISINGLY, mom's mom son combo came in second last. Frustration was mounting and many glasses were shattered. twas comical. I really thought i was going to get some points here. silly rabbit.

Deenas big bro BRACHEL. well. well well well. I think we should all be thankful they almost got the boot. As rachel said if they win, shes allowed to procreate. i can only imagine what hellspawn would crawl out of her body. I USED TO COCKTAIL WAITRESS IN VEGAS 40 tries later , 3.5 hours later....and brendon gets it. bahahaha. useless. bonus to her for cheering on the momson, and having a general good attitude. also i'm sure praying helped, as we all know jesus turns water into wine and was made a fortune selling said wine to the jews.

ALAS, they were not eliminated. Dan got the point for picking the last place team, TWO IN A ROW DANNO !!! you should be a dentist. or a fly by night protester. OR A FLY BY NIGHT eupnea practioner !!!

Willis is in the lead wif 4 points. everyone else is moderately shitty.

Mom and Big Pharma Rob are the only ones without a single point, and thus feel shame.

GIMME YER PICKS FOR NEXT WEEK DAMMIT.

i had a dream last night that i was doing work for the pope ( odd ) but then he was trying to get overwhelming power in some sort of weird council, and i was like NOOOO POPE MAN YOU CAN"T MIX THE STATE WITH RELIGION. and so on. in the end i had to walk like 4 levels in the parkade to find my car, ONLY TO Realize that i had parked not in the parkade. what a waste.

week three (3) sweet jesus my belly hurts because of milkshake

First and foremost,

I swear brachel, well just rachel, is not the same rachel as before. she is ...more evil...more....sinister. look at her freaking eye balls. scares the excrement ( in french , th'excrement ) right outa me. did you see her screaming and wriggling her weird little hands when they got first ??? MUTANT. freakish mutant.

Alas. if you are playing the brachel drinking game, there were severa opportunities here. Also, a few moments of pure joy when she WAS THREATENED OF HER LIFE on the logs they were laying on aka raft aka logs. I liked brendons maneuvre of laying flat on his stomach. this is a crucial move for canoeists.

Team Achilles messed up and sadly ended up in first.. still.. this dad cries alot. like a lot. maybe even the same amount as rachel. whatever, first. point for Jen, ( YAYYY)

OMG i didnt save the stupid excel file with the results so i just spent the last 5 MINUTES MY LIFE re-assembling it.

anyways

cowboys came in 2nd, only one minor MESS up jessup hahahahah. from that movie.

but yes they did swell.

robs afghans are blankets. i mean they did great and HEY THEY WANT TO CLEAR THEIR name and didnt lie. swell. good job. lalalallalaalll. thats that sound they make. that women make.

whatever.

Mom and Son came in 4th. what a struggle. a struggle. she was bleeding blood. thats hard. yo wasup

the big dudes game in 5th and performed like minor league basketball players and such. man my stomach hurts from that milkshake. ( PETERS ) so good. oh so good.

the singers came in 6th and did just not bad. at least they only sang once. country music is like soap opera. just terrible..terrible

my team came in 7th. the surfers. pocahontas. John is a racist . because of that pocahontas remark. clearly a racist. possibly a nazi. blue eyes blond hair ??? COULD YOU BE MORE ARYAN ????

big bro came in second last. i really hope they show her sprawled out like a fish more . pathetically hilarious. bahahah. awesome. but hey good job on brendon saving the team by finding that stick.

annnnd finally. Dan is out , which is what he wished of his team. Too bad. but awesome. DAN WILL YOU BUY BACK IN WITH THE SINGERS ???? you have one last chance.

email back here

same BAT time

same BAT channel.

next week : WILL THE DYNAMIC DUO SURVIVE ??? or will MOMSON's SON break glassware and LOSE HIS MIND

WILL JESSICAS disgusting feet make it through ?? or will they have to amputate ??? An amazing race first !!!

email me back yo.

 

keep your week 2 emails off of me your filthy animal

Hi everyone, i'd like to state out loud that i'm writing this email under duress. I received a whiny email from so and so " i get eliminated from the race every week " that i wasnt being timely enough. Also, Dan is sitting next to me as i write this, so I will leave out the weekly poop reference. maybe.

well this weeks episode was intense as we hahahhaha im watching community with dan and its funny. funny thinngs are funny

also we have beer.

ok so yes, the cowboys are really really awesome but then really really not awesome. and once again, it looks like the country singers have leeched their way through an episode by using their good looks and terrible vocals. BUT HEY WINNING IS WINNING.

three N's

surprisingly, big brother team came in first. And wow. i'm so glad her hubby pointed out the incessant crying. and then they got first, and she cried. good god. she needs a muzzle.

momson came in second, i think i dunno i couldnt hear him

the singers came in third ( SPOILER KYLAS NEW TEAM HAHAHAHA ) and last. when shes out next week sorry wait you are reading this kyla, when you are out next week you are out out out.

jens father son team came in fourth, and his achilles is in good shape.

fajas globe " I HATE CHILDREN " trotters were next, i cant think of anything clever to say so whatever. basketball.

cowboys in 6th, strong come back during the day after their morning stupidity looking for horses

robs afghans are stupid and who cares

my surfers arent looking very good, except her kinda. and they came in the next spot after the last spot. you know

you know

dans youtubers came second last and smell funny

KYLA is out

again

because mark and mal just could not get along. Id have to side with Mal on this one though, screw your back moron. just race. thats what dad and i would haaaa......... FLASDIJHFLADSKFJNALKFAJLFKSADNLFK

thats how i feel. ok

beer time. going to send dan along to his plane nice and drunk.

OK BYE BYE BYEBYE GOOD TALK

oh three way tie for first between KYLA DEENA AND WILLSTER

amazing race 24 WEEK ONE MOFO's

Well I'll be damned. Here we go again !! hahahah !! haha !!! much fun. I'm just sipping on my morning coffee at work, waiting for my routine to commence (excrement).

So with an emotional start to the episode, Bopper it seems had a small baby alien growing in his stomach, and had to bow out before the creature birthed from his anus. This would have caused terrible ratings, and the folks at westboro baptist church to protest. And surprise surprise, Rachel cried. If you guys wanna have some more fun ( IS IT POSSIBLE) then join in the drinking game for this seasons race, which will be to have a drink everytime rachel cries. also everytime the show shows her crying in previous episodes ( All i wanna do is race around the world with my best fwienddd sob sob sob sob ) SLAP.

So looks like weeee little Willster had a great start, with the cowboys coming in first. No surprise they are a good team with nice hats. ( cah boy hats y'all )

Deeners bigbrother team, or team BRENCHEL ( EW) came in second and she managed not to cry or whine or vomit useless conversational input via her mouthface.

Jens father son duo or the ACHILLES RUPTUREdness came in third. Not much to say here, they are from salt lake city and are probably mormans. mons. mormons. whatever.

Moms mother son team are in fourth but he probably doesnt know that BECAUSE HE CANT HEAR. or at least i think he cant. maybe he can read lips, shit can he read mine ???? JEDI MUTE !!! etc. haha. hahahah. ok ok.

Farmer/walmart Rob's afghanimals came in 5th. Good job Rob way to pick the D-bags again. Oh and one's married now. to a sheep. baahhhhhhhh. sheep.

The newly created mark and mallory team is in 6th with no pancrease attacks present.

Donny's globetrotters came in 7th, they are tall and play basketball. I'm glad they referenced their undefeated streak with the globetrotters. cuz thats useful.

My team came in 8th. They are engaged. to be married. for life. hes blond.

The country singers are in 9th, and they like to sing. man id be annoyed if they made me sing everytime.. weeeee gonna win the amazing raccceeee. god. shut up . If i was a good hockey player and they made me slap shot an amazing race puck everytime id shoot it at the camera man.

Dan picked the youtube team, and they are in second last. Dan ---- Hi dan.

AND OMFG HERE WE GO , Kyla, you picked the twinnies, and they are out. So you are out first, and get the first chance to buy back in ( if you so choose ) ( it will relieve your humiliation at being out first ) and who knows maybe you'll do as good as Jen last season with her second pick. Your choices are the country singers or MARKMAL 1.0. Maybe one of them will last another round.hahahaahaha....i think i'll pick either to be out next round . bahahahahha.

Ok so friends, I need your picks for the next elimination before next sunday sunday sunday. And Kryla, I need your new team and $10, which don't bother giving me because I probably owe you anyway. ow you, ow

Ok peeeps talk sooon, keep fit and F%*$ offf. ( Joanne ) . Oh ps im posting this to my blog. haha blog. cuz its a blog. i won't post what you guys write back though, because thats racist.

Ive attached the results also via excel spreadsheet. its racist.

Sweet Cuppin Cakes

I woke up this up GOD DAMMIT STUPID DYSLEXIA. I woke up this morning with a stupid runny nose and a midly congested congestation of congress. It took me a full 2 minutes to decided whether or not to come to work. I chose to come to work, and here I am , writing this fantastic blog. HAHAHHAHA. Working hard. This week previous to the week before the last after the first, I went home and got to spend some quality time with my family. I spent much time drinking coffee and excrementing in toilets.

Paragraph two. The synopsis of dyslexia.

In soviet russia, car drives you !!! Due to large amounts of mucus being lodged in my nasal cavity, I would like to encourage you ( the reader ) to read this with a stuffed up voice sounding voice. Picture yourself dancing on a rainbow, while green slime is slowly dripping down to your upper lip. Caress the slime, taste it. It's salty. Now give a big sniff !!! ooops !! now you have a headache. Slowly wipe away the remaining nose grease from your beard. ( Note if you do not have a beard, please do not shave for at least 3 weeks, then return here and try again ) once your beard is clear, go wash your face you dirty bastard.

Also, I have a bit of a habit ( heroin with PSH ) thats philip sea more hoff man. oh too soon rob . too soon. the habit is over now. (  ) insert proper storyline here.

what i was getting at before that last little bit, was, that, well you see the amazing race 23 is commencing soon ( feb 23 ) GOD DAMMIT what you can't see here is that i type to fast and often my words miss letters because this STUPID PEDERAST keyboard doesn't work properly THANK YOU DELL FOR RUINING MY CAREER.

ok what. was i saying ?? oh yes the amazing race 23 is starting, and typically ( irony ) Fe. get it ? CHEMICALS HAHAHHA, or elements. whatever. shut up. the amazing race 23 is starting and i usually write a weekly follow up to each episode. hilarity ensues. racism ensues. transgendering ensues. but seriously its a load of FUN !! hahahha MY MOM THINKS IM SO FUNNY. so i was thinking i would share this weekly ball of laughter and satan piss with you, ( The reader ) it will be MORE FUNNIER if you watch the show first probably but i don't care about you or your life so whatever.

anyways, im going to go back to work now ( pee first then poo ) actually i might just leave. my nose hurts and id rather be at home playing video games. I'll tell my boss that i'm working though. DONT ANY OF YOU TELL OR I"LL MOLEST YOUR FAVORITE KITTEN, who should be garfield, hahaha he hates mondays !!!

i cant remember anything else i was remembering to tell you. () penis.